“Is my failure to conceive my fault?”
In cases where there is no diagnosis preventing a pregnancy, this is a haunting question. With very few exceptions the answer is NO!
Longing for a family is agonizing, especially because each attempt at conception is separated by at least 28 days. It is a short distance from feeling the stress of thwarted dreams, to assaulting your self with “if only this…if only that – therefore it must be my fault.”
Let’s draw a fault line! While a failure to conceive is, with few exceptions, unlikely to be your fault, a failure-to-conceive-crisis is an opportunity to override the ensuing feeling of helplessness that runs parallel to the Stress-Fault-Blame Game. There are mind/body stress relieving approaches to titrate feeling thwarted in your goal.
There is one caveat to the is-this-my-fault quandary. On a conscious level, the issue of fault can in most cases be ruled out. However, there may be unconscious forces at work, perhaps having to do with an underlying fear of being the kind of mother you had (if there was less than optimum care, for instance), fear of pregnancy or childbirth, fear of insufficient maturity, fear of seemingly unmanageable discord in the partnership, fear of having a child if the partner is against fatherhood or against commitment, fear of the residue of an unresolved abortion—and perhaps other dilemmas.
But, for the most part, whether emotional forces are conscious or unconscious, fault is irrelevant.
Furthermore, fault-finding is an exercise in futility and negativity. A positive approach to the waiting game comes with mindful awareness of ways to tolerate the wait. What besides a baby can you give birth to at this time? What creative activities might engage your attention that would be an analogue to creating new life? What would provide a positive distraction from feelings of ennui? What would loosen the mind/body grip of frustration and disappointment?
If we allow the concept of ‘fault’ to be a non-issue, with introspection and with the best attempt at finding relief from physical and mental distress with stress relief practices, the pathway to conception can be eased, pushing the fault issue to the sidelines.
