The need to cope with adversity is unavoidable. Sometimes we have the presence of mind to step back from a problem and find a solution that relieves our stress. Other times the problem may swamp us because it feels bigger than coping mechanisms which are in our repertoire.

We all get tossed around in life and adopt coping mechanisms modelled in our families. Although these defenses may make sense in one environment, they can limit our ability to cope in another. Sooner or later, we are all likely to find ourselves in challenging circumstances where we are at risk of getting stuck in learned patterns which have outlived their usefulness.

Infertility is one such challenge. The agony and demands of infertility are likely to mandate that we develop new responses, new ways to cope.

Two related and interesting definitions of “coping” suggest the kind of adaptation that we need to cope effectively. Coping, in one definition, describes the round – edged tile that is used to give a bathroom or kitchen wall or a swimming pool a finished look. In the other, coping refers to the strips of fabric that go in between the sections of a quilt which help to make up for imperfections. Infertility leaves us feeling unfinished and suggests that there is something more that is needed to recreate a sense of wholeness. We need to be able to ease the tattered edge of the mental and physical disruption caused by this unwanted reality.

The following is a compilation of various coping strategies.

COGNITIVE APPROACHES:
Change any of the following:

  • Communication style
  • Environment
  • Schedule
  • Responsibility
  • Family or work routine
  • Procedure
  • Life-style habits

Do any of the following:

  • Make a pro/con list
  • Clarify values
  • Evaluate relationships
  • Notice stressors at home, at work, socially
  • Evaluate your needs
  • Ask yourself what would rebuild your self-esteem
  • Take a break when you feel overwhelmed
  • Set goals
  • Exercise, yoga, tai chi to feel physical strength and relax the body

EMOTIONAL APPROACHES: THINGS TO DO

  • Take a deep breath
  • Exercise, yoga, tai chi to release endorphins and relax the mind
    Learn relaxation techniques
  • Distract yourself with something which is predictably pleasant
  • Monitor and shift thoughts to avoid being trapped in negativity
  • Re name situation in a better light (how is the glass half-full?)
  • Allow a catharsis
  • Reach out for social support
  • Find a way to laugh
  • Release emotions into a journal
  • Recognize and release judgment

EMOTIONAL APPROACHES: WAYS TO BE

  • Create affirmations, positive self-talk; repeat these mantras in your mind
    Experience your spirituality
  • Accept the reality
  • Flow with guided imagery or hypnosis tapes
  • Learn self-hypnosis
  • Focus mindfully in and on the present moment
  • Breathe purposefully and generously
  • Enjoy music, dance, singing, chanting, or drumming
  • Become absorbed in art projects
  • Play
  • Read or listen to stories
  • Participate in energy healing such as Reiki
  • Release tension with a massage

This list represents the many ways we can break into the stress cycle. The relentless physical and mental stress of infertility universally leaves people feeling out of control. This list is designed to organize your options, giving you a fighting chance to feel mastery over these unwanted circumstances-one day at a time. These options may serve you well. But perhaps they only get you into first gear.

Infertility is notorious for creating a need to think clearly while it scrambles your brain. You may need to enlist the support of a trusted friend or therapist if you find it difficult to cope in new ways.

*The organization of this list is adapted from The Wellness Book by Herbert Benson, MD and Eileen Stuart, RN.