No, I don’t mean those who attend to the Queen. I do mean those who are ready to start trying for a family, but where Nature has had a mind of its own.
Obviously, the most galling thing about conception taking its sweet time is that the opportunity only happens once a month. What’s a lady to do, especially if great thought went into waiting until the time was right?
So now you’re at the starting gate and the bell is not ringing. Meanwhile, every living creature – cousins, friends, neighbors, workmates, and maybe even local cats and dogs — is popping out babies. What options are there for passing the time and staying in your skin until your miracle materializes?
In my opinion, it is therapeutic to throw a conniption fit, maybe each month that conception eludes you. Get it out of your system. Should you beat a pillow with a tennis racket? Scrub the bathroom floor with a toothbrush? Stand on a mountain top and scream? Cry your eyes out? If you invent your own maniacal antic to get the frustration out, would that help?
Feeling frustrated while nothing is happening is like revving the engine while the car is in neutral. On top of that, you’re in a time warp: a day feels like a week, a week feels like a month and a month can feel like forever.
And what does one do with the murderous impulses that visit you when well-meaning people opine, “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant”? It’s a good thing murder is illegal, right? My advice is to turn the tables on the advice-giver by saying, “So, you think I’ll get pregnant if I relax more? I value your advice. What way of relaxing do you recommend? Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind.”
Meanwhile, your first obligation is to determine how to take care of yourself, and your partner, if you have one. If you are okay around people and their little ones – that’s great. But if it’s too hard for you, you’re in good company. And you have a right to pull back.
Self-care for you might mean limiting who, if anyone, is eligible for inclusion in your most private world. Maybe the answer is no one. The choice is yours. Some, especially after a miscarriage, are understandably hesitant to say anything to anyone for fear of jinxing this month’s opportunity. Others, for whatever reason, might be content to announce their fertility struggle by way of a megaphone in Times Square. It’s a no man’s land without rules. The good news is that there are no rules, freeing you to do what’s in your best interest.
WHO might be invited into your inner circle is one thing. What do you DO while in the waiting game is another. How to cope is a tricky question. You may have had an arsenal of techniques and/or distractions that have served you well in other stressful situations and will serve you in this case, too. If so, lucky you.
Experience has taught me that even the most stress-hardy people are knocked for a loop in the face of a challenge as central to our existence as when/how to arrive at parenthood. A former patient once put it, “With infertility, I’ve met my match.”
What would keep you in your skin as you wait? How might you arrive at your answers? These days, most people peruse the internet for answers. Did any suggestions you found there help? A good idea is only a good idea if there’s follow through. Following through takes effort at a time when you’re likely to feel most depleted. Bummer. But soldiering on beats giving up, doesn’t it?
Would any of these options for tolerating the waiting game work for you?
1. The simplest is to connect with your breathing. You may be saying, “Duh!” And yet, when we are stressed, our breathing becomes shallow and irregular. Try this: Notice how you’re feeling right now. Then, take one long, slow inhalation, followed by a long, slow exhale. Notice the impact. Repeat!
2. Would a support group be a good option for you? I’ve been running fertility groups for many decades. No matter how private a person is who comes to the group, I’ve witnessed what a relief it can be for them to sit with others who “get” what they’re going through. Call me (212-758-0125) or email me (helen@helenadrienne.com) for more information.
3. If ‘going public’ is not for you, you might be surprised to discover that you can go public with yourself by journaling. There’s no need to even keep what you write. Sometimes it can help to write and write and write and then burn the papers as a way of emptying and then banishing what may be clogging pipes, so to speak.
4. The mind abhors a vacuum. Unfortunately, it has a bad and predictable habit of automatically filling itself with the negative. Have a list of positive affirmations ready as a counterpoint to the inevitable mental naysaying that a fertility challenge creates. Common encouragements are: ‘It will all work out eventually’ OR ‘I’m doing everything in my power to make this happen’ OR ‘I get pleasure from ….’ OR ‘I’m successful at …’ OR ‘It’s not my time yet’.
5. Hypnosis is a real boon for tolerating the wait. It makes it possible to find a way to a place of neutrality — under the chaos. Hypnosis can be a powerful approach to finding answers as well as solace. Entering a trance state allows you to disappear into positive imagery or positive self-talk and thereby relegate the demanding voice of The Infertility Brute to the outskirts. Relief from angst is possible. You can seek help from a clinical hypnotherapist. But self-hypnosis is easy to teach and easy to learn. Let me know if you want to find out.
Does any of the above resonate for you? How can you maintain your best self while admitting that it is normal to feel cranky? Maybe very cranky. How can you still look for and find ways of feeling joy? Look at this and what do you see? JOYISNOWHERE. Do you see ‘joy is nowhere’ or ‘joy is now here’? Can you orient toward finding joy while waiting for your miracle?
Reductionist thinkers may claim: ‘You’re born, you grow up, you reproduce, and you die. And if reproduction eludes you, no big whoop.’ I doubt that you’re in this category. For most women and many men, failure to conceive is a very big whoop. It’s something that you wake up with in the morning and go to sleep with each night. And along the way, so many insults, so little time.
While nature seems to have a mind of its own, and the world seems to be passing you by, despite the challenge, and maybe because of it, your nature has a mind of its own as well. You may be called upon to pull up your socks and get on with it more times than you’re in the mood for. But given the nature of the challenge – I hope you can keep the faith with intermittent equanimity! And don’t forget to breathe.
