Whether alone, or alone together, to be cloistered involuntarily is no picnic. Yet, this is where we are – where we need to be — for now. While this may be a time to catch up on the thing we were waiting for time to accomplish, now that the time is here, this pandemic can sap us of motivation. Stir in the agitation of the unmet longing for a family. Result: suffering.

According to Buddhist philosophy, the cause of all suffering is craving. They say if you desire things that you do not have, suffering will follow. If you realize this, peace will be yours. Suffering will disappear and contentment will reign. Tell this to couples in a fertility struggle, and you risk your life.

Letting go of this craving for a baby would seem tantamount to giving up. It is the craving that motivates and energized the quest, providing the “oomph” used to navigate the magnitude of the challenge. And now, the clinics have closed due to the corona pandemic.

So how does one cope with this understandable suffering when the world as we’ve known it, with its predictable distractions, has come to a screeching halt? How does one put the enormous energy of longing on hold? Obviously, that’s impossible.

So what would help?

You can learn to find refuge from the turbulence of infertility by narrowing your attention to something as simple as your breathing, which is a built-in tranquilizer. Holding your attention there is a challenge, but less so if combined with coordinating your breath with your steps as you take a walk, even if that walk is around your house/apartment.

Walking/breathing can be a meditation and can be hypnotic. It can provide relief based on the way our brains are wired. We have what is called a triune brain, comprised of three zones. The brain stem (located in the back of the neck) controls our autonomic nervous system, which takes care of functions that are automatic such as heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tone and breathing rates. We can say that this is ‘the body’. Structures of the neo-cortex (behind our forehead), make us aware of the world and allow us to interface with it. We experience this as ‘the mind.’ In between the two is the limbic system of the brain, sometimes called the mid-brain or the emotional brain, which can be said to be the place where mind and body meet.

So focusing on walking/breathing awareness (a mind/body experience), has the power to provide an experience of: ‘all is right with the world, at least for now’. This can be enhanced in combination with immersion in nature, if enjoyed out of doors, or, as I am doing lately, by observing the way that the buds on the trees outside of my living room window unfurl day by day.

You may be thinking: “Great, but what about the other 23 hours and 59 minutes of the day?” You wouldn’t be wrong. But the job here is to engage in this or other meditative activities like cooking, reading, crafting, and (perish the thought, cleaning) often enough to release the vice-like grip of the stress engendered in that unmet longing for your miracle.

A walking meditation or cooking, reading, etc. are “doing” endeavors. Another approach to navigating through these days would be considered a “being” approach. What would it take to let yourself be? Since the human mind seeks to fill itself, often with the negative, how can we battle with this inclination of our mind? Not easily, for sure. Yet, with these 6 words: Now My Mind Is Telling Me, you can follow your thoughts without getting trapped in them. Now my mind is telling me, I’m hungry. Now my mind is telling me, I’m angry. Now my mind is telling me, this stinks! Identifying, labeling what your mind is telling you, thought by thought, moment by moment, creates distance from the way that these thoughts can assault. You will most likely lose your place as you endeavor to stay with ‘now my mind is telling me….’ When you do, shrug it off by saying, “Oh, well” and starting over.

DO something that brings you pleasure, or BE who you are, annoying thoughts and all, is what is mandated. Learning to cope in times of crisis can serve us well at the time and, with mental muscle, can be put in place as a matter of routine.

Whether we are dealing with infertility or with any challenging adversity, creating a hiatus from stress by entering an oasis of your own creation may very well be as good as it gets. And it is more valuable than you may think. You owe it to yourself to let go or distract from the vice-like grip of stress/longing, for the same reason that an adventurer climbing Mt. Everest stops at way stations along the way that rejuvenate and restore.

For information about stress reduction sessions, contact:

Helen Adrienne, LCSW, BCD
helen@helenadrienne.com helen@helenadrienne.com
https://www.helenadrienne.comhttps://www.helenadrienne.com
212-758-0125
Author, On Fertile Ground: Healing Infertility
May, 2020